Hello everyone!
This is another deeply personal blog, but I think writing about my issues will lead to victory over them (can the church say amen?) So here goes...
I have a little confession to make. I STRUGGLE with anxiety. It can be debilitating. If there is anyone that can make a mountain out of a mole hill, that person is me. This is a battle I have been fighting (and, unfortunately, losing) for a long time. At its worst, I have been unable to function normally. During one particularly horrible bout of anxiety about 10 years ago, I was standing outside of the courtroom, crying and unable to enter because I was so overcome by anxiety about a case I had. Almost every major setback in my life can be traced back to my inability to act because of my anxiety.
Thanks be to God, I do not suffer from debilitating anxiety most days. Most days, I can overcome the little stressers and distressers in my life. That's how I have been functioning, until recently.
Recently, I have been battling another anxiety tidal wave. It causes my chest to tighten and my hair to fall out. It interrupts my sleep pattern. It makes me stress eat. And it gives me suicidal ideations. Like, you know, my problems would go away if I simply cease to exist in this life.
No one knows how loud the noise in my head gets. No one knows the tears that I cry. No one knows how hard it is to get out of bed in the mornings. No one knows that I can hardly pray sometimes. No one knows...but God.
Last night, I had a meeting at church that went much longer than I expected. Secretly, I was a little annoyed that it took so long to iron out the plans for an upcoming event, but I was thankful for the distraction from my anxiety-inducing problems. As I drove home, the anxiety began to creep back in. Less than 5 minutes into my 20-minute drive home, I was near full-blown panic attack. The noise in my head reaching a fevered pitch, the tightening in my chest almost unbearable. In that moment, I reached over and turned on the radio just in time to hear Pastor Chip Ingram of Living on the Edge describing the physiological effects of anxiety. Tears began to sting my eyes. The accuracy of his word picture in my own life made me wonder if I was being watched somehow. He had me pegged. Everything he described was what I was feeling and how I had been living.
And then he turned to the word. Phil. 4:6-7 (NKJV) tells gives us a negative command. "Be anxious for nothing." I knew the scripture. I have quoted it to myself so many times. But as Apostles David and April Bynes of Destiny Speaks like to say, it is ineffective to quote scripture that you do not believe. Listening to Pastor Chip last night, I was confronted with the depth of my unbelief. By allowing anxiety to bring me to the point of debilitation, I was showing my unbelief in the word of God. And my disobedience.
So I began to meditate on that command. Be anxious for nothing. Nothing? Nothing?! What about when there are more bills than money and no (legal) way to get more. What about when the doctor gives a diagnosis that is serious or terminal? What about when everything around you seems like it is falling apart and the walls are closing in on you? I'm not even to be anxious then??
But the verses go on to say that in everything, by prayer and supplication, WITH thanksgiving we should make our requests known to God. After this we will receive peace. That seems so simple it is almost laughable. My nature is to run out and find a solution. My nature is to try to control the situation and force a favorable outcome. And if I can't force a favorable outcome, my nature is to shut down and ignore the problem until the small, easily extinguishable spark becomes a roaring forest fire. Praying and giving the situation to God is not my nature. It is far too simple.
And the simplicity of it caused me to chide myself. I was not praying nearly as much as I should have been. Or being as thankful, either. So I started my day today with prayer, like I normally do, but this time I was more intentional about it. I serve a great big God. He is bigger than my anxiety and definitely bigger than my problems. And if I truly believe that, then I will indeed, be anxious for nothing.
I hope I am encouraging someone out there.
This is another deeply personal blog, but I think writing about my issues will lead to victory over them (can the church say amen?) So here goes...
I have a little confession to make. I STRUGGLE with anxiety. It can be debilitating. If there is anyone that can make a mountain out of a mole hill, that person is me. This is a battle I have been fighting (and, unfortunately, losing) for a long time. At its worst, I have been unable to function normally. During one particularly horrible bout of anxiety about 10 years ago, I was standing outside of the courtroom, crying and unable to enter because I was so overcome by anxiety about a case I had. Almost every major setback in my life can be traced back to my inability to act because of my anxiety.
Thanks be to God, I do not suffer from debilitating anxiety most days. Most days, I can overcome the little stressers and distressers in my life. That's how I have been functioning, until recently.
Recently, I have been battling another anxiety tidal wave. It causes my chest to tighten and my hair to fall out. It interrupts my sleep pattern. It makes me stress eat. And it gives me suicidal ideations. Like, you know, my problems would go away if I simply cease to exist in this life.
No one knows how loud the noise in my head gets. No one knows the tears that I cry. No one knows how hard it is to get out of bed in the mornings. No one knows that I can hardly pray sometimes. No one knows...but God.
Last night, I had a meeting at church that went much longer than I expected. Secretly, I was a little annoyed that it took so long to iron out the plans for an upcoming event, but I was thankful for the distraction from my anxiety-inducing problems. As I drove home, the anxiety began to creep back in. Less than 5 minutes into my 20-minute drive home, I was near full-blown panic attack. The noise in my head reaching a fevered pitch, the tightening in my chest almost unbearable. In that moment, I reached over and turned on the radio just in time to hear Pastor Chip Ingram of Living on the Edge describing the physiological effects of anxiety. Tears began to sting my eyes. The accuracy of his word picture in my own life made me wonder if I was being watched somehow. He had me pegged. Everything he described was what I was feeling and how I had been living.
And then he turned to the word. Phil. 4:6-7 (NKJV) tells gives us a negative command. "Be anxious for nothing." I knew the scripture. I have quoted it to myself so many times. But as Apostles David and April Bynes of Destiny Speaks like to say, it is ineffective to quote scripture that you do not believe. Listening to Pastor Chip last night, I was confronted with the depth of my unbelief. By allowing anxiety to bring me to the point of debilitation, I was showing my unbelief in the word of God. And my disobedience.
So I began to meditate on that command. Be anxious for nothing. Nothing? Nothing?! What about when there are more bills than money and no (legal) way to get more. What about when the doctor gives a diagnosis that is serious or terminal? What about when everything around you seems like it is falling apart and the walls are closing in on you? I'm not even to be anxious then??
But the verses go on to say that in everything, by prayer and supplication, WITH thanksgiving we should make our requests known to God. After this we will receive peace. That seems so simple it is almost laughable. My nature is to run out and find a solution. My nature is to try to control the situation and force a favorable outcome. And if I can't force a favorable outcome, my nature is to shut down and ignore the problem until the small, easily extinguishable spark becomes a roaring forest fire. Praying and giving the situation to God is not my nature. It is far too simple.
And the simplicity of it caused me to chide myself. I was not praying nearly as much as I should have been. Or being as thankful, either. So I started my day today with prayer, like I normally do, but this time I was more intentional about it. I serve a great big God. He is bigger than my anxiety and definitely bigger than my problems. And if I truly believe that, then I will indeed, be anxious for nothing.
I hope I am encouraging someone out there.
🎶You are not alone🎶 ((Michael Jackson voice)) This was definitely an encouraging post. Thank you!! I heard a word tonight at a women's conference that I think you may find empowering. A person that lives in the darkness doesn't realize the light isn't on. We become so used to our cycles and doing things on auto pilot that even when we intend to change, we end up following our same patterns and getting the same results.
ReplyDeleteTrue. And that is why I am endeavouring to be intentional about this. If I don't, I let the enemy creep in and he will NOT win!
DeleteThank you for your comment.