Skip to main content

Choosing to Forgive



For years, I thought it was my fault. That I did something wrong. That somehow I had invited his adult lips to touch mine. Or that I had unwittingly enticed his grown man’s hands to explore my no-no place. I was only 10 years of age after all. What did I know of the art of seduction? Clearly, I had stumbled across some universal signal to adult men that sexual touching was welcome.

Or that’s what I thought afterwards…when it was all over and I was left to contemplate the violation that had occurred. And his warning to keep silent about it. He didn’t have to warn me though. I didn’t want to talk about it. What would I have said? How could I have described what happened? And my role in it? So I just sat wondering how I got there.

Unlike so many others with similar experiences, mine only occurred the one time. There was no repeat. Thank God. But the truth is, there did not need to be a repeat occurrence for me to feel like a prisoner in my own home…for me to feel like it would happen again…for me to wonder if I was inadvertently giving off the wrong signals to other adult males.

I felt unsafe. Unprotected. I felt wrong.

Years later, I found myself in the position of having to advocate for my offender and violator in a court of law. Again, I wondered how I ended up in that position. But I did know. He was family. A close relative. And in that moment, my family obligation trumped my childhood trauma. Besides, the other members of the family didn’t know of his violation. They only knew of his legal troubles and that I was a licensed attorney who could help.

So I did. With too wet eyes, I spoke glowingly of the man who had taken my innocence. I begged for his release from jail. I told the Court that he was a good person and deserved a second chance. All the while biting the inside of my lip to keep the tears from spilling down my cheeks.

It worked. And my violator tried to thank me, but when I looked him in the face for the first time in over 25 years, he saw my eyes and knew he should keep silent.  I walked out of that courtroom and cried.

So yeah, I didn’t watch the R. Kelly documentary on Lifetime. I couldn’t. The subject matter was a little too familiar. And I am working on the inconvenience of forgiveness in this season of my life.

Forgiveness is not something my violator has ever sought. I’m not sure I care. I am choosing to forgive because the 10-year-old version of me deserves better. She deserves to have grown into a strong woman, who can lift her head and handle her business. Most days that is who I am…but every once in a while, I remember my 10-year-old self and I weep for her.

Comments

  1. AnonymousApril 17, 2019 at 6:52 PM

    You are stronger than you know and in many ways greater!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. JosieDecember 21, 2020 at 6:26 PM

      Thank you so much. Sorry I am just seeing this comment, but I appreciate your kind words.

      Delete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Ride or Die

I love this phrase. There are quite a few subtle variations on the meaning, but it is an urban colloquialism that means loyalty, no matter what. I thank God that I have been blessed with a few people that have that kind of loyalty to me and I to them. It's a rich blessing that have true friends. They are with me and in my corner no matter what (or "regardless of what" as one of them would say). This week we had Vacation Bible School at my church and I was privileged to be a teacher. The first lesson was taken from Daniel chapter three. The very well known story of the three Hebrew boys: Shadrach, Meschach and Abednego. It is a wonderful story of faith, but something jumped out at me so profoundly that it almost knocked me over. We always focus on the deliverance. But the Hebrew boys did not. Their focus was on God and Him alone. They were ride or die for the Lord. Literally. If you read the story, they never once pray for deliverance. They talk about God's a
2 comments
Read more

Rocks, Gravel, Sand and Water

Let me first start by saying that I cannot take credit for the following example, as I did not originate it. In fact, I was listening to Turning Point with Dr. David Jeremiah and I was so touched by what he shared that I thought I would share it with all of you. Let's say I have a large, empty 5-gallon jar. If I place fist sized rocks into the jar until no more can fit, is it full? Before you answer, let me say that after I place the rocks in the jar, I pick up a bag of gravel and begin to pour that into the jar. Where does the gravel go? In between the spaces left by the rocks. After I fill the jar to the brim with gravel, is it full? Before you answer, consider this: I pour a bag of sand into the jar. Where does the sand go? Into the spaces left by the gravel, of course. After filling the jar to the brim with sand, is it full? Before you answer, consider this: I pour a pitcher of water into the same jar. Where does the water go? Into the spaces between the grains of sa
2 comments
Read more

Missed Opportunities

*So....I'm going to be asking for a little audience participation on this one. Please, please oblige me (just this once...lol). Have you ever been in a situation with no clue of what to do? In the moment your mind is reeling and you're desperately trying to figure out how to act or what to say. Of course, later on when you're far removed from the stress of the situation, a million things pop into your head as to what you should have said or what you should have done?  Well, that happened to me yesterday, except I am still unclear as to what I should have said or done. I just kept thinking, " Come on, Josie! Think! What would Jesus do? " But to my chagrin, I came up woefully and hopelessly blank. Here's the scenario:  I am currently doing contract, project-driven work. It's not steady, but for the time being it is my Brook Cherith (see 1 Kings 17:2-6), so I'm not complaining (out loud). I started a new project last week and found out t
6 comments
Read more