Happy new year!! It has been almost a year since my last blog post. Time flies! I have been feeling the compulsion to write again, so here it goes.
Disclaimer: This is not a request for sympathy. It is, however, a statement of received clarity.
On Sunday, December 29, 2019, I was ordained along with six other amazing individuals. As momentous as that event was, I felt the weight of it on my shoulders in a way that I was not anticipating. The calling is heavy. The mantle is heavy, but not burdensome. I know that because the Lord said that His yoke is easy and his burden is light (Mt. 11:28-30). But while I was feeling the weight of the assignment, there was another weight. This one was heavy and burdensome...almost crushing. It disturbed my sleep the night before and broke my concentration several times throughout the ordination service and ceremony.
This weight was the weight of certain people's displeasure at my elevation. There are those who, while they won't say it to me, feel as though there was some mistake in choosing me for my new role. I'm certainly not perfect. Never claimed to be. I am progressing, however. The purpose of this blog is not to defend myself or to throw words on those who are against me. It is to relate to those who may feel like I feel.
For so long, I tried to ignore the opinions of those who were not for me. I have held my head up and continued to work despite knowing that there are those who want to see me fail. I can usually handle it, but as my pastor announced my new role and prayed over me, I began to succumb to the negativity. By the following Sunday, I was fully in probably the worst bout of imposter syndrome that I have ever battled. I felt completely unworthy and undeserving. I wanted to give everything back and fade away. I sat with tears on the edge of my eyelids, ready to tumble down my cheeks as I thought about all of the ways that I was unqualified to be where I am.
This is all overwhelming. Yes, I am the woman who slept with another woman's husband. Yes, I lied. Yes, I hurt people. Yes, I messed up....and not just once.
But it is also true that I am the called of God. It is also true that I am redeemed. It is also true that if no one else does, God loves me. As I wondered in my heart how both could be true simultaneously, the Holy Spirit reminded me of Isaiah in the sixth chapter of his book and his bout of imposter syndrome. Woe is me, he said. He called himself a man of "unclean lips." In other words, he acknowledged his inadequacies as his first reaction to being called. Yet, God did not allow him to wallow in self-pity. The Holy Spirit reminded me of Jeremiah and how he tried to talk his way out of the call of God by citing his youth and lack of a message. But God Himself told Jeremiah not to be afraid of the faces of his detractors (Jeremiah 1:8). God put His words into Jeremiah's mouth.
Now I know I am not on the same level of Jeremiah or Isaiah. Not even close. But I am beginning to accept that I am called. And while I don't deserve anything that I have received from God, I also know that He is the Giver. So if He saw it fit to give it to me, He has a reason.
Let me encourage someone out there. You may not "belong" where you are based on the determination of others, but God has placed you where you are for a reason. Don't be afraid of their faces. No matter who "they" are. If it's a promotion, remember that promotion comes from above. So do pay not attention to those who think you don't deserve it. Do the task at hand to the glory of God. If it's a God-ordained relationship that others don't accept or understand, keep going on the path before you and honor God in that relationship. If it's financial blessing, don't apologize for what God has given you. Use your resources the way God intended. Be a blessing. Whatever it is, recognize the hand of God at work and mute the murmurs of those who have not yet gotten the revelation.
2020 is going to be great! We have too much to do to let ourselves get side-tracked by those who'd rather talk than work.
Disclaimer: This is not a request for sympathy. It is, however, a statement of received clarity.
On Sunday, December 29, 2019, I was ordained along with six other amazing individuals. As momentous as that event was, I felt the weight of it on my shoulders in a way that I was not anticipating. The calling is heavy. The mantle is heavy, but not burdensome. I know that because the Lord said that His yoke is easy and his burden is light (Mt. 11:28-30). But while I was feeling the weight of the assignment, there was another weight. This one was heavy and burdensome...almost crushing. It disturbed my sleep the night before and broke my concentration several times throughout the ordination service and ceremony.
This weight was the weight of certain people's displeasure at my elevation. There are those who, while they won't say it to me, feel as though there was some mistake in choosing me for my new role. I'm certainly not perfect. Never claimed to be. I am progressing, however. The purpose of this blog is not to defend myself or to throw words on those who are against me. It is to relate to those who may feel like I feel.
For so long, I tried to ignore the opinions of those who were not for me. I have held my head up and continued to work despite knowing that there are those who want to see me fail. I can usually handle it, but as my pastor announced my new role and prayed over me, I began to succumb to the negativity. By the following Sunday, I was fully in probably the worst bout of imposter syndrome that I have ever battled. I felt completely unworthy and undeserving. I wanted to give everything back and fade away. I sat with tears on the edge of my eyelids, ready to tumble down my cheeks as I thought about all of the ways that I was unqualified to be where I am.
This is all overwhelming. Yes, I am the woman who slept with another woman's husband. Yes, I lied. Yes, I hurt people. Yes, I messed up....and not just once.
But it is also true that I am the called of God. It is also true that I am redeemed. It is also true that if no one else does, God loves me. As I wondered in my heart how both could be true simultaneously, the Holy Spirit reminded me of Isaiah in the sixth chapter of his book and his bout of imposter syndrome. Woe is me, he said. He called himself a man of "unclean lips." In other words, he acknowledged his inadequacies as his first reaction to being called. Yet, God did not allow him to wallow in self-pity. The Holy Spirit reminded me of Jeremiah and how he tried to talk his way out of the call of God by citing his youth and lack of a message. But God Himself told Jeremiah not to be afraid of the faces of his detractors (Jeremiah 1:8). God put His words into Jeremiah's mouth.
Now I know I am not on the same level of Jeremiah or Isaiah. Not even close. But I am beginning to accept that I am called. And while I don't deserve anything that I have received from God, I also know that He is the Giver. So if He saw it fit to give it to me, He has a reason.
Let me encourage someone out there. You may not "belong" where you are based on the determination of others, but God has placed you where you are for a reason. Don't be afraid of their faces. No matter who "they" are. If it's a promotion, remember that promotion comes from above. So do pay not attention to those who think you don't deserve it. Do the task at hand to the glory of God. If it's a God-ordained relationship that others don't accept or understand, keep going on the path before you and honor God in that relationship. If it's financial blessing, don't apologize for what God has given you. Use your resources the way God intended. Be a blessing. Whatever it is, recognize the hand of God at work and mute the murmurs of those who have not yet gotten the revelation.
2020 is going to be great! We have too much to do to let ourselves get side-tracked by those who'd rather talk than work.
Thank god for Dr ojieabh for gaving me hope again when i thought about giving it all up because my sickness has already eating me up so much that i thought i won't make it. Till i found this God sent Doctor who came to my rescue just when i needed him the most. God bless you beyond measures Doctor ojieabu and i am very grateful to you. Reach him on (+2347087681025) or visit his Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/drojieabuherbalcure/
ReplyDelete