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Self-Discovery

Well, we are now a full four days into Lent and I have been convicted a million (only a slight exaggeration) times.

In fact, I have been refusing to blog because I knew I would have to blog about these convictions. If you all could see all of the other drafts I have saved, you would shake your heads and tsk at me. I write post after post (or at least begin them) and then end up saving them because I do not have the release to post it.  Somehow, they didn't feel authentic.

The whole time, however, the Holy Spirit was whispering to me what I should post. He even used the voice of my dearest friend who gently said to me "You will have to be more transparent as you go further into ministry." I balked at that. Ministry?! I was surprised by the use of that word. And convicted.

Surprised because that word has come up several times in the past few months and weeks. Convicted because I cannot honestly say I've been treating everything I do in service of the King as ministry.

Most of all her statement to me made me more introspective (if that's possible). I took stock of myself and finally had to acknowledge the following:

  • I have a pharisaical spirit.
  • I am a hypocrite
  • I am judgmental
  • I am an elitist (and not in a good way)
All along, I have been conveniently pointing out some of the flaws I have seen in the Body of Christ and missing my own flaws in a huge way.  It was a bit of a shock to have to acknowledge that I have been calmly walking down the same path of convenience that I speak so adamantly against. And the worst of it is that I thought I was living an inconvenient Christianity.

It was a kick in the chest. I felt like everything I knew to be true about myself was taken away and all I had left was a broken spirit and a contrite heart. 

So...I have no words of encouragement today. No catchy phrase. No song lyrics. No general prayer. 

Just a challenge: read Luke 6. Really read it, then let the Holy Spirit take you down your own inconvenient path to self-discovery. You might be shocked by what you find.

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